Sex Education Australia
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<p>Our young people need to know they can always come to us to ask questions—especially ‘tricky’ ones—no matter how awkward it is in the moment. If parents and carers aren’t present and available to answer questions, correct misinformation, and give clear expectations, we’re leaving our kids alone to navigate the big job of growing up. In our ‘Tricky Questions’ podcast episodes, SEA founders Jenny and Justine discuss common questions our team hears in the classroom from children aged 10-12 years. Now, we’re taking the series to our blog, so you can easily save the advice for when these questions come up (because we all know, they often come up when you least expect it).</p>
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<p><strong>How to answer:</strong></p>
<p>We’d stick to a scientific answer in explaining erections, going into more detail depending on the age of the young person asking. Explain how increased blood flow in a penis makes it hard and a bit bigger (we recommend being careful with language here, avoiding saying things like ‘it becomes really big’).</p>
<p>Let them know that while erections can be caused by sexual thoughts or feelings, they can also be random and not linked to sexual thoughts. Spontaneous erections are usually caused by hormones and are very common—especially during puberty. It is also common to wake up with an erection without having had sexual dreams because the puberty hormones surge just before someone wakes up. Spontaneous erections should go away on their own, usually within a few minutes.</p>
<p><strong>Our tip for talking:</strong></p>
<p>Erections can be an awkward topic, and experience, for young people going through puberty. Let your young person know that although they might feel self-conscious when it happens, it’s unlikely anyone else will notice. Erections are very normal, and it’s normal to get them during the day and night, especially when going through puberty.</p>
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<p><strong>How to answer:</strong></p>
<p>It’s useful to know where your young person is coming from before you answer. We suggest ‘throwing the question back’ by asking them what they know or have heard from their friends about pornography. This gives you a chance to correct any misinformation.</p>
<p>Once you’ve gauged what your young person knows already, keep the explanation brief: we usually would say something along the lines of ‘porn is pictures and videos of naked people online and they might be doing sexual things, and it’s never for children.’ Let them know that seeing these things is not good for a child’s developing brain and that children can react in many ways if they see these things. They might find them; scary, gross, weird, upsetting, confusing, embarrassing, exciting, or make them feel curious. However they react, it’s really important to tell a trusted adult so they can help talk things through.</p>
<p>If it’s a discussion with an older child (say, year five or above), we’d definitely talk to them about how a lot of pornography doesn’t show consent, and connect it to a larger discussion about respectful relationships and body safety.</p>
<p><strong>Our tip for talking:</strong></p>
<p>While it’s important to have a pre-emptive conversation about porn (<strong class=”under”><a href=”https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/2023/02/13/talking-to-your-child-about-porn-age-appropriate-conversation-starters/”><strong>this article</strong></a></strong> talks about why we should talk to children about explicit content as soon as they have access to a device), parents of teens—who have likely been exposed already—can raise the topic of pornography as part of a larger, ongoing discussion about consent. If you’re struggling with broaching the conversation, Justine wrote <strong class=”under”><a href=”https://www.theage.com.au/national/when-is-the-right-time-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn-20230214-p5cked.html”><strong>this piece</strong></a></strong> for <em>The Age</em> discussing how to approach the topic of porn with young people.</p>
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<p><strong>How to answer:</strong></p>
<p>We would advise parents to first make sure they know what crushes are, with a simple explanation.The way we like to explain crushes to young people is that it’s the brain’s way of thinking about the qualities we might want in a partner one day.</p>
<p>And what should your child do if they like someone? It’s important for them to know <em>they don’t have to do anything.</em> The question for them to ask themselves is, ‘Why do I want my crush to know I like them?’, and ‘How would telling my crush make them feel?’ It could go well or not so well, and they don’t want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable or for it to make your friendship awkward. In primary school, it’s probably best to keep crushes to yourself.</p>
<p><strong>Our tip for talking:</strong></p>
<p>It’s important for parents to consider how big or special these feelings might be for their child—making sure not to minimise their feelings or make fun of them. Let them know that while their feelings are valid that they don’t have to tell anyone about them—it’s okay to keep their crush private.</p>
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<p>When Hulu announced the <a href=”https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/movies/story/2020-11-24/happiest-season-review-hulu-kristen-stewart”><strong>‘first studio-produced, LGBT-centric holiday romantic comedy</strong>’ </a><em>Happiest Season,</em> starring the proudly bisexual Kristen Stewart, the loudest reaction seemed to be an exasperated <em>‘Finally!</em>’. However, once the movie was released, its story arc, focusing on Kirsten Stewart’s on-screen girlfriend (played by Mackenzie Davis) ‘coming out’ to her parents, raised criticisms. Some viewers questioned the choice to ‘zoom in’ on what can be a traumatic experience for LGBT+ people, arguing that ‘<a href=”https://www.vox.com/culture/2020/11/24/21570507/happiest-season-review-hulu-kristen-stewart-rom-com-lesbian”><strong>stories about coming shouldn’t be the only queer stories we get</strong>.</a>’ Many of the broader conversations in LGBT+ communities question the emphasis on ‘coming out’, not only in TV and movies but in everyday culture. Instead of putting pressure on LGBT+ people to ‘come out’, some ask if we could be focusing instead on making a world where’ LGBT+ people aren’t seen as ‘different’.</p>
<p>The LGBT+ experience is multi-faceted, and young people across the spectrum will have very different approaches to both understanding their sexual identity and how they choose to express it. For some people, coming out will be an important part of expressing their identity, and for others, it might not be important.</p>
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<p>On top of showing an interest in their hobby (you could ask about their favourite characters or stories and what they like about them), talking to your teen about fanfic can be part of a broader conversation about online safety. It’s helpful to have agreed-upon rules and expectations about what they share online and the kinds of stories that are/aren’t appropriate for their age. It’s also important for us as parents to respect our young person’s need for privacy and not be too invasive with our questions or interest; teens need a space that is private to explore this very personal part of their development.</p>
<p>Even with content filters and online safety software, there’s still a big chance <em>they will</em> come across inappropriate content online, whether through fanfic or something else. Letting your young person know they can always come to you if they see something they know is inappropriate can help mitigate the risks if/when it happens (we’ve written more about talking to young people about explicit content<strong> </strong><a href=”https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/2023/02/13/talking-to-your-child-about-porn-age-appropriate-conversation-starters/”><strong>here</strong></a>).</p>
<p>Additionally, a clear discussion about what fantasy means in a sexual context is also very helpful for your teen’s development. Talk about how fantasies can often be something that a person likes thinking about <em>but that they would never want to do in real life</em>. Just because a person has a fantasy—sexual or otherwise—it doesn’t mean they necessarily want to or will try to experience it in real life. Fanfiction can help provide a safe space for the imagination to explore different fantasies in a safe way.</p>
<p>Like most online communities, certain corners of fanfic contain violence or even descriptions of sexual abuse and other content that might be disturbing—particularly for young readers. An ongoing conversation about consent, body safety and respect, especially concerning TV shows and movies you watch together or events in popular culture, will help support your teen to approach fanfic more critically. As our young people move towards adulthood and gain more independence online, they should continue to know they can always speak to us without judgement if they see anything that worries or confuses them.</p>
<p>Fan fiction can be a safe avenue for young people to use their creativity or explore their sexual interests. While it’s not without risks, keeping an open conversation with your teen about both safe relationships and consent, as well as internet safety, will support them in having a positive experience with fanfic.</p>
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<p>As your child gets older and has more independence online, the conversation should evolve to incorporate more nuance and support your child’s critical thinking.</p>
<p>Recent research from <a href=”https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/2022-teens-and-pornography-final-web.pdf”><strong>Common Sense Media</strong> </a>found that 45% of the US teens surveyed thought pornography provides helpful information about sex. Statistics like this can be a good starting point for a conversation with teens about how pornography might be helpful or relevant and how it might also be misleading and harmful. You might say:</p>
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<li>‘I’ve read a recent survey that says young people think pornography provides helpful information about sex. I wonder what you think about this?’</li>
<li>‘Some people say that porn can be a safe way for young people to explore their sexuality. What do you think about that?’</li>
<li>‘Commercial, mainstream porn has a lot missing that doesn’t send a good message, and has things in it that also aren’t good. It’s important to remember that while porn sex is real sex, they are performers being paid, and usually heterosexual porn is centred around male pleasure, doesn’t show consent being asked for and given and doesn’t show safer sex practices like using condoms.’</li>
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<p>You can discuss how pornography doesn’t always show people consenting or engaging in sexual acts that would be pleasurable in real life, while the bodies in porn do not reflect the diversity of bodies and genitals. It may also be helpful to approach the topic from a mental-health perspective. Watching pornography regularly can wear down the brain’s dopamine reward system and contribute to depression; talking with your teen about pornography’s effects on the brain can help them manage their mental well-being (to make it easier, we’ve written about the effects of pornography on the brain <a href=”https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/2021/10/05/how-pornography-changes-our-brain-and-why-our-teens-need-to-know-about-this/”><strong>here</strong></a>). You might start the conversation by asking them what they know about how our bodies use dopamine (rather ironically, this is a pretty popular topic on TikTok, so they’ve probably heard of it) and whether they know about pornography’s effect on the brain</p>
<p>Talking about pornography with your child isn’t something that just happens once; parents should check in regularly about pornography and technology use as part of an ongoing—and evolving—conversation about safety and healthy relationships.</p>
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<p>Keeping communication can help support your young person in navigating potential risks like viewing inappropriate content or becoming a victim of scams or abuse.</p>
<p>Supporting your child’s safety online means:</p>
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<li>keeping on top of the privacy settings and password access of the devices your child is using</li>
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<li>having age-appropriate conversations about what porn is and why it is not suitable for children, including making sure your child knows to speak to you if they see anything inappropriate online (read our blog post on how pornography changes the brain, and why teens need to know about this<a href=”https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/2021/10/05/how-pornography-changes-our-brain-and-why-our-teens-need-to-know-about-this/”><strong> here</strong></a>)</li>
<li>staying educated on emerging risks, such as ‘sextortion’, a form of online online blackmail (the<a href=”https://www.accce.gov.au/sextortionhelp?fbclid=IwAR1LZIOpVe8QDFjTPsN3x-F7dLgf5C7AgjwYsUsh7ivYTpjQgnbAaTlWYYY”> <strong>ACCCE</strong></a> has created a new sextortion help page to help identify this crime and how to report it)</li>
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<p>Young people going through puberty and older teens often use the internet and social media as a tool to experiment with their identity and cultivate a sense of self. It can be exciting to watch your child’s personality and interests emerge; keeping open communication that supports them in developing digital literacy means they are more likely to have a positive, safe experience online.</p>
<p>Looking for a little more support in navigating cybersafety? Shortly after the upcoming the 2023 Safer Internet Day on February 7, we’re going to be hosting a special version of our online webinar, <a href=”http://staging.demmographics.com/sea/event/talk-to-me-first/”>‘<strong>Talk to me first</strong>’ </a>focused on how to speak to your child about porn. We’ll be launching the details early next year.</p>
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